My boss is driving me insane.
That's right--I am one of the 40% of Americans who have a NG (Not Good) boss. Mine, however, is neither evil (a Voldemort boss) nor incompetent (a Floater boss) nor sleazy (a Hot-tub boss). If my boss were younger, I would definitely have inferred that he had feelings for me beyond the professional scope--but no, he is old enough to be my father, and after browsing through at least twenty categories, I concluded that he is part of another category altogether (the Lassie-Come-Home boss). You see, my boss treats me as if I were his faithful pet. But let me make it clear to you, dear reader, that if I were a dog, I would be
Cujo, not Lassie. Although my boss doesn't seem to realize this. Far from it, actually. He:
- Constantly wants to 'include' me in every. single. decision-making process (some of which take hours); yet, he winds up calling all the shots. Our progress would be quicker and more efficient if he just told me exactly what he wanted me to do to begin with. Instead, we spend more time together (again, think hours) with unnecessary meetings, meetings during which I learn more about his personal life (multiple divorces, general loathing of women, the birth of his grandchild, etc.) than I do about useful information that relates to the work I actually do.
- Wastes my time, breath, and energy. I don't give a rat's 4$$ if he squanders his personal time, but besides calling me out for pointless meetings, he doesn't allow me the choice to prioritize mine. We will make "a little trip together" to another department in the middle of a project, to ask one. simple. question. ("Do you have this?") that would ordinarily take me one minute but takes the both of us half an hour, because he gets distracted. Even if I discourage this behavior, he overrules me ("It'll be fun"). It'll be fun? Honestly? Because this ain't a family vacation, son.
- Exhibits possessive behavior.
Case A: Sometimes, he will receive a phone call in the middle of a meeting, but rather than keep it brief, he will take anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes (I've timed them) and seems to expect me to happily remain in my position the entire time. Once or twice, after zoning off after the first 15 minutes of his conversation with his daughter while we were in the middle of working on another project, I stated that I would return later, but no, he ordered me to remain there. Which I did, expressing my discomfort through the next session by twiddling my thumbs, tapping my pen, and glaring at him with a fury amounting to... a lot.
Case B: He will notice when I am not around. Sometimes when I step out of my cubicle to use the ladies room and return, he will act as if the whole world fell apart while I was gone. "Where were you?" or "Why did you disappear again?" or "One second you were here, one second you were gone, and now you're here again!" or "I was looking for you everywhere" are some of his favorite comments. And the punchline is that, when I ask him WHY he needed me, his answer is usually bland and vague: "To talk about work".
- Asks me to eat lunch with him. Just the two of us. To "discuss work". Does he actually think I'd eat lunch with him, much less discuss work during my lunch hour??? You learn opposite words at age five: Hot is the opposite of cold; slow is the opposite of fast; lunch break is the opposite of work.
- Sneaks up behind me while I am furiously working at my desk. He will then either proceed to move his head over my shoulder until I feel. his. hot. breath. on. my. cheek. or he will blow. on. strands. of. my. hair. to grab my attention. I recently started barricading myself (oh, quite literally!) in my cubicle with all the junk I could find, so that he no longer has any access to my personal space while I am working.
- Loiters around my cubicle. Often, he will stand with one arm leaning against the wallframe ("So...") while I secretly blink insults at him in Morse code with my eyes.
- Dismisses my concerns that I am under certain time constraints, replying that "we all do, not just you". And then requests that I cut my lunch hour short in order to cover him for a particular task, so that he can take his full hour-lunch.
- Pats my head and/or bonks me on the head. WTF???
- Leaving work the other day, I saw his car drive along the boulevard until it was out of sight. I walked to the bus stop (I commute) and approximately five minutes later, his car drove by again, this time in the other direction--he wanted to give me a lift. While this would be an acceptable and gracious offer coming from anyone else, the whole scenario was uncomfortable and awkward coming from him.
I swear, if I don't get a raise this upcoming year, I'm quitting.
